there are just times where you shouldn’t meet new people.

i am in no place to meet new people with the amount of bull shit going on in my life

i’m in the slump and i can’t seem to escape it, instead more is just piling up on me and i don’t know where to go.

i usually don’t mind it. i work around it and just keep smiling

but recently there doesn’t seem to be much to smile about.

i’m broke. like less than 100$ in my account and I’m not getting any hours at my job because i’ve been gone for so long. which doesn’t normally happen, i usually have all of the hours. what happened?

and there is vicious rumors spreading over work about my private life and it’s ripping me up inside. i don’t want my life to be a spectacle. i want it to go away. and as sad as it sounds i have a bully at work. she makes me feel puny. like i have no worth and i’m just a sack of shit. and she makes snark comments towards me so that i hear them. but i just can’t come at her, i’m not the kind of person. but if i had it my way i’d destroy her- demolish her into the smallest bits. and she’s interrupting into my personal life. with my ex and his friends- the last thing i want to happen. she puts on this act and demeanor when she speaks to him- all smiles and good thoughts. but around me- i don’t even meet her eyes, like everything else is worthy to get attention. she never even speaks to me. i go out of my way- i try to be nice and say hello, goodbye, could you hand that to me please?, sorry, thank you.

but she acts like everything that i ask for is ridiculous. and she never really works, but today i was playing around with ryan doing patty cake or some shit like that and she made a remark “excuse me i’m trying to actually do work unlike other people” i just wanted to turn around and say “how does it feel since you do it so rarely?” but i didn’t. i’m not a bitch though i wish i could be.

worse off she’s the one spreading rumors about me. about tom. about alex! :( i just want them to go away. that’s not me and not how i want people to see me. so i’m transferring. she’s running me away from all the friends i’ve made because i can’t take what she’s done to my one good place where i felt at ease. she destroyed it. i tell everyone it’s for convenience sake- school and all. but it’s not. it’s so i don’t have to work with her any more, or hear ludicrous things.

school is killing me. I’m so behind and I lack all the enthusiasm I use to have. I slack off and don’t pay attention. I’m that kid. I’m afraid I’m falling behind. Not going to keep my gpa and ruin that status i had of smartie. I don’t study for tests, half ass essays, and just decide not to show up to class. where did all of this come from? it’s frightening. it’s not me. i’ve always been concerned and wrote lists and made things be as perfect as they could get.

my lease is ending and i’m afraid i won’t have anywhere to live. for 3 months. and i’m about to move in with one of my best friends. but what if it doesn’t work. about 2 or 3 years ago i had to move away from my 3 best friends. and it seemed to destroy our friendship. i would always come down to visit and they’d come up sometimes. but then it became fewer and fewer. and then it was never. i’m lucky if i get them on the phone or even fbook or in the same state. i am always free to hang out but i’m never invited and it kills me. i always feel like i get excluded because i lived so far away. when we should have been cementing our friendship i was in marietta and they were in alpharetta. and then i tried so desperatly to stay in alpharetta. i moved closer, sandy springs was as close as i could get to them. i even got jobs to stay near them. but they didn’t notice. they didn’t invite me out. they didn’t text or call. if anything it always felt like they ignored me when i sent them stuff. i know they probably didn’t mean it but it hurt so bad. and it still does. and i’m afraid to bring it up with them. that its my imagination, my fault. i’m the one that left. but i didn’t do it on purpose. and that also why i’m leaving. there’s no point in me trying to keep a stake in alpharetta, i never even saw them while i was there. i also feel like they judge me for what i do. especially galen, i know she really dislikes me know. but i trusted her- she’s my best friend i thought it meant you can tell them anything. but its not true, because she doesn’t speak to me barely ever. and its always so tense and awkward and it makes me feel like i’ve officially lost contact with all of them. especially savannah- i’m lucky if i can ever hear anything out of her. i thought it was just always bad connections- not getting my phone calls or texts than i just stopped trying all together because i felt foolish. and lizzie- once we were out of high school we barely spoke. i blame myself for that one- when every other relationship went south i lumped you into the category. i fell out of the spectrum of what is ‘michele’ that they don’t even recognize me. that maybe they don’t want to be associated with me. it’s probably just crazy talk but i feel by guts getting wretched out whenever i see them all posting things to each other and i wasn’t invited. almost like a ‘in your face quitter’. they aren’t doing that at all but it feels like it. i deleted my twitter, my tumblr. i would delete my facebook but then i’d loose all the contacts on my phone and the only numbers i know my heart are my moms, kim, logan, and tom. won’t get very far with that. especially because two of them don’t want to talk to me any more.

and my relationship. or lack of one now. all through out my days in grade school no boy was ever attracted to me. i’ve seen pictures of myself. i know why. but as soon as i hit 18 a boy was interested in me. and it might be because i wasn’t use to it i said yes to him. no one had EVER given me attention. EVER. so we started dating and i figured nothing could get better right? i was guaranteed a forever, kids, marriage, a life till the end. thats what i wanted. and i could have it with him. but then i started realizing i didn’t like him, and that was a problem right? you should at least like the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with right? at least i thought so. so i was harboring these feelings thinking they’ll just go away- i have something good here. and then i met tom. i in no way thought he was interested in me. but i did think he was incredibly good looking. and he was what i liked in guys. he had glasses, plugs, tattoos, a sense of humor, kinda a bad boy with alcohol and recreational drug use (i was that lame that i thought it was bad boy-esque) and i decided i had to cut off the ties with logan. i couldn’t be with him when i so obviously, to myself, was no longer fighting to keep it going. no one saw it coming, but we had been having so many problems internally no one could have guessed. then out of the blue, the very night i broke up with logan tom asked me out. i was so worried if i didn’t say yes the offer would go away so i grabbed after it. after an almost 2 year relationship i was with another guy the same night. big mistake, though it didn’t seem like one. and i was so in love with him. more so than anyone else. and i felt so many different things with him. and i decided to have sex with him, 20 years and i’d found my someone. and he promised me all those things- marriage, babies, a life together. i was hearing it all again. and once again i rushed for it. but i’m not ready for commitment. i’m the least commitment worthy person ever. i don’t believe in forever. i will blame my parents Terrible Awful Mistake of a relationship for my issues until the day i die. that example was the worst a kid could get. abuse, name calling, threatening, mind games, and worst was the screaming. i didn’t believe i’d find true love, but i thought with tom i did. but just like with logan i was realizing i wasn’t sure if this is what i wanted. was i ready to call it forever with tom? and then the terror and shock and horror set in. was i making a mistake? would i regret this as my mother regretted my father. would i wait 20 years and 4 children later to call it quits. but i was so afraid of it because i thought i had found my one. hell, i’m still in love but i’m not sure its enough for me to believe. so i decided to break it off. and what a bad idea that turned out to be. he hates me now, just like how logan hates me. and he keeps making me feel like i’m jumping through hoops. i want him to be happy and talk to me but it’s so hot and cold with him. it could be a smile one minute and then absolute hate. like he never wants to speak to me again. and its messing with me. because i still love him. and i don’t even know what to do. i can’t fucking go through this again.

i thought about starting all my bad habits again. i have. the cutting, but making sure i don’t go too deep. not eating. the headaches are back. my eyes are always shot from the crying. i try to scrub my skin off in the shower. i try to forget who i am, disappear. i even think about running my car into oncoming traffic. my life insurance would pay for school. so mom wouldn’t have to worry. i have nothing left right? my ex’s hate me, my friends don’t talk to me, school is in the shitter, and work is falling through so terribly. possibly jumping in front of the train at marta. but i remind myself of family- but even they judge and spread rumors and distrust me. i know it’s just a ‘phase’ but its taking incredibly long to pass and i feel so fucking lost.

and the worst part, the cherry on the fucking shit pile. sex with tom’s best friend alex. just because. because i feel something worth feeling. because i don’t have intense emotions from him and i still get the comfort i need. he’s my best friend right now. he’s always there for me and i’m not afraid of being myself. because when i first met him i had absolutely no interest. sure over the time he got better looking to me but not outstanding. he was someone i could turn to for everything. same music. talking about tom, school, whatever. and one day we just started kissing. and i stopped it. but i felt something. and we haven’t stopped since. but we should. because no one approves. and nothing could ever come out of it. i admit- you harbor all the same feelings i have towards things with love, and relationships, and etc. its like a male version of me. but i can see that you can never satisfy my needs. you make me feel something- but it wont be enough. but i wish it could.

and then the guys i met at the house. i don’t even know what to think. i love to hang out with the. 2/4 i think are cute enough but of course those are the ones that have no interest. whereas the one i am most def not into thinks theres something. and once again i’m looking for something when i should be ALONE. but i can’t be alone. i’ve become so co-dependent. which is why i feel so alone now with everyone being away. my friends, my mother who i miss so much, my relationships, my job, my school, my sanity. i feel myself going in these terrible circles of self destruction. i just feel myself throwing my feelings into whoever comes along. i’ve given so many little pieces of myself to everyone and they never give them back. i feel like i am falling apart but here i go continuing to give myself away. emotionally. physically. spiritually. i am a terrible excuse for a person. i just don’t know any more.